Now Look What You've Done is a 47-chapter story told in Lewis's POV.
Of all the items that can clog your plumbing, an overweight dwarf is probably the worst.
Because while a good plumber can clear your pipes of a spoon or a hair ball or a bar of soap, it's much harder to remove one of those little guys.
And today, my dwarf sidekick is stuck in a different kind of pipe.
The Atomic Wedgie.
The Atomic Wedgie is a fast, curvy waterslide.
But it is not today.
Because it is clogged.
Clogged by an overeager dwarf who was a little too plump to ride.
And yet somebody let him.
And that is where the bribery comes in.
Because a guy who fails to get his way will charm. And a guy who fails to charm will deceive. And a guy who fails to deceive will grab a big wad of dollar bills from his pocket and wink.
Because that is how it works in this world.
And then something like this will happen.
And if you are the leader of a world-class team who just so happens to be tied to the dwarf and had no choice but to follow him down the slide, you are in trouble.
Deep, unbreathable trouble.
Because the rushing water keeps coming.
And with the dwarf's bottom acting as a plug, the water has nowhere to go but back up the tube.
Which is where I am.
My teammates have to get both me and my dwarf sidekick out of the waterslide with their gadgets.
And none of us are very happy about this situation.
Joe Fox is not one of the smartest people in the world.
But try telling that to the woman in the checkered vest.
"The Nerd Hall of Fame is now closed," she says. "And you need to go home."
"But look at this thing," I tell her. "It's an outrage."
"What is?" she asks.
"This," I say, pointing directly at the statue.
"Sir, I get eight dollars an hour to walk around this museum and make sure no one breaks anything. If you have a problem with what's in it, tell someone else."
"Oh, I've got a problem all right. Lies, lies, and more lies. Everyone knows who the smartest person is."
"Wonderful," she mumbles, rubbing her temples.
"It's me," I say.
"Good for you," she says, pushing me toward the exit with one hand. "Now let me show the smartest person in the world how a door works."
I am suddenly tempted to pull rank.
Reveal that I am Lewis Brindley, a person with a name so recognizable that she would instantly know it is that of the leader of a world-known team known as the Yogscast.
But I don't pull rank.
I do something smarter.
I climb Joe Fox and try to yank down his sign.
"What do you think you're doing?!" screams the museum woman.
"I'm saving the credibility of your institution!" I retort.
But I'm not.
Because I'm not able to reach the sign without jumping. And I am nine feet above the ground.
So I do what only the smartest person in the world would think to do.
Only to learn that while Joe may have had a strong brain, his statue does not have a strong neck.
And as I jump, it snaps. Sending both me and Joe's overrated head tumbling.
Straight to the museum floor.
Where I hear another snap.
This one in my leg.
And say the only logical thing I can to the museum woman leaning over me:
"Now look what you've done."
When you're lying in bed with a broken right leg, you can either cry or write in your personal journal.
And Lewis Brindley doesn't cry.
So, I'm busy writing in my personal journal, or Yog-Log.
I exhibited greatness.
I founded an empire.
And that empire was achieved despite the many obstacles around me.
Such as Obstacle #1: My teammates.
They're okay people, but they have their weaknesses.
And sometimes, those weaknesses can get me into trouble.
And for those touched by greatness, sometimes they can be debilitating nuisances.
Then there's Obstacle #2: My sidekick.
Simon is my dwarf sidekick who helps me on my missions. Whenever he isn't available, someone else helps me on my missions.
But sometimes, sometimes, Simon is a little lazy and will not listen to me when I tell him what to do.
So let me just say this.
If you have a lazy, yet responsible and industrious sidekick who joins you on your missions, keep this one thing in mind:
SOMETIMES IT'S A RUSE.
Do NOT make him slack off.
Do NOT allow him to change the name of your team.
And, hey, while I'm issuing warnings, if you're in the Yogscast, be very well aware of Obstacle #3.
Her name is Anya Ferris, but we call her Minty. She is the Administration Coordinator of the Yogscast.
She gives messages about missions that she sends a few members of the team on. She also gives us exams to test us on our skills. Sometimes, we send her messages about our missions.
So that's all the description she gets.
And I will fill the space she otherwise would've gotten in my Yog-Log with a drawing of my face.
(insert wrong picture here)
Oops! Now that didn't come out right….
When you are the leader of one of the world's high-profile team of fighters, you can expect your fair share of high-profile missions.
And the one I get this morning on the YogLine is about as high profile as it gets.